Broken

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

A comment maybe?

Let me answer to your questions then.. It hurts me to think that my sister will have these thoughts of me.

"1 more year & you've to take charge of your own life. Lemme tell you, you ain't ready for it yet. Your actions, your attitude, your words prove it all." --->

1) I am not ready to take charge of my life? Since young, I have been told that I am the eldest, I have to be good, to lead by examples. For so many years, what do I get in return? Whenever I am home, no one even respects me. All you guys did, was disregarding me. Bringing me down with every words. I never had heard any encouraging words before. Do you know how it hurts? The Chinese idiom: 强颜欢笑. I did everything just to make everyone happy.

"I can't believe what I heard. ' Told ya not to bear this child already '. Seriously, does one talk to her pregnant mom like this when she request for some help? Not just once. How filial?" --->

I know the consequences when I say these words. I know that a lot may misunderstood my meaning. After I said that sentence, did I not help? I did. Why did I say that? Because I know how much she would have to suffer if she want to bear this child. Mummy always like to think in a negative way. Whenever I tried to encourage her, it falls into deaf ear. I am not sad when she lose the baby, or when she suffers from all those side effects? It pains my heart.


"I don't even know what're you thinking. I do not even know what has become of you. You've changed in a bad way. You don't see that but everyone else does." -->

You see my change.
How about the reason behind my change? No one was there for me when I got hurt. Yeah, I might have hide it from you guys. When I got bullied, when no one is by my side except my boy.. If I don't become stronger, I will break down. Have you ever see me break down at home? No. Because I don't want any of you to be worried of me. 强颜欢笑 is never a easy thing. When you are in a bad mood, you shows it out, you give temper. What about me? I don't even have the rights to say out my thoughts? When you cry, everyone was so worried about you, including me. You have so many friends around you to share your troubles with. I don't have. I am always that lonely, no one ever understand me. No one except my boy, who is always by my side to cheer me up, to console me by giving me hugs, to encourage me, and giving me support in everything.

I want to have a warm home. I want to have a house which I can go back to relax. But, I can't.. My boy's house is so much quiet, so relaxed.